Five Shades of Grey
by Lexie Jayne
Summary: A X5 reflects on what it's like to be a freak.


AN: Thanks to Ash and Jacey. I wrote this to Avril Lavigne music.  
  
  
  
God. Do you know how wrong it is to fall in love with your pseudo brother? I feel like the lowest, dirtiest human being there is. There ever can be.  
  
But then, I'm not really human, am I? I'm a screwed up genetic disaster. Any merciful human being would have drowned me at birth and prevented me from living this revolting existence.  
  
But then, is this an existence? Or is it more like a five-shades-of-grey, neutral, unwavering limbo. I can not have emotional ties with anyone. They say the cat is one of the most solitary animals in the world. They were seriously right about that, weren't they? I have to be the most solitary and lonely thing in existence. I think, before this, I was the only one of the X5s who hadn't disobeyed Zack's emotional ties rule.  
  
That's me, Miss Goody Two Shoes.  
  
This is the worst thing I've ever done, fallen in love with the man I once thought of as my brother. And I can't stay away from him. He's so addictive. Its verging on wrong- I'm fifteen and he's almost eighteen.  
  
I feel like a criminal. I never was much good at sneaking round behind peoples backs at Manticore. I was good at technology. Why, I always ask myself, lying in bed next to Him. He sleeps, I do sleep sometimes, just not much. Maybe I was good at technology because it does what I know. I understand it and that's a refreshing change from me not understanding anything around me.  
  
Zack once told me (I was twelve I think) that I had early signs of adolescent depression- I just told him he should stop reading those stupid psych books that Brin used to be so interested in.  
  
Zack's been positively smothering all these years. He found me in a foster home. Abusive, yeah. But I think Jondy was the only one of us not stuck in an abusive foster home. But I know Syl and Zane both fought back in their foster homes- I just took the blows. It meant nothing to me- those blows meant I was just a normal little girl and I was following Zack's orders by not fighting back. I was laying low and Colonel Lydecker used to hit us when we did the wrong thing.  
  
But Zack came and saved me. And ever since I got outside, I didn't talk as much. And Zane knows, I never used to shut up. Talk, babble, chatter, that was me. And, then Zack found me and I hardly talked at all, he was mildly concerned.  
  
So, after a string of six more foster homes, only two of them being decent places, Zack decides I'm on my way to being a nomalie. I'm not a nomalie. I know that. But then, someone famous once said that the insane are really the only ones who are sane.  
  
Of course, the Duchess of Windsor also said you can never be too rich or too thin, and Tinga learnt she was wrong, the hard way.  
  
Even now, as I lie in bed with my boyfriend- not my brother anymore, but my boyfriend- I can feel the fear and I remember those times like they occurred just ten minutes ago. I can remember Tinga's anorexia and my first boyfriend, Joel, who I wanted to confide in. Brin coming to me, crying, because she'd seen Ben. Zack having a seizure and not letting me help him.  
  
But then, as Tawny rolls over, his arms wrapping around my waist, I can smile at good memories to.  
  
Rai and Trey. Isn't that cute? Even as kids, we never ever noticed their names rhymed. When they got together, it was great. Promising something for us X5s.  
  
When I tasted ice cream my first Outside summer.  
  
When Zack hugged me for the first time ever.  
  
And when Tawny kissed me.  
  
Tawny. My saviour, I guess. He's my everything. I would die if he wasn't completely genuine. But I'm almost positive he is. You can never be too careful with X5 guys.  
  
So, I'm a freak. But apparently I'm a lovable freak. And I can deal with the stuff in my head. And one of these days we can all see each other and I won't be as solitary as a cat anymore.  
  
  
  
AN: New characters who will soon feature in an all-X5 reunion fic! And Rai and Trey belong to Jacey, Tawny belongs to Kara and the POV was a character called Lexy. So, whose POV did YOU think it was? 


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